surprise, surprise, another wine-drunk night for me. the apartment is empty and it's just me and the cats, i've finished off a whole bottle and listening to foo fighters is probably the worst decision i could be making. well, second, the first could be texting you.

do you read this? i'm assuming no, because you don't bother much when it comes to me. and just like with everything else, i am speaking to myself, the words going off into another realm you will never be able to grasp. i look like some love sick dumbass broad, when i'm not (ok, i am)- crying over a guy who is clearly incapable of being good to her- let alone himself.

you know, whatever. i'm not going to bother tonight. i straightened my hair today, it's to the middle of my boobs! then i took myself shopping: a cute new teal dress, a pair of boots, and some sexy ass black strappy heals. my body is getting thinner and thinner, it's the only part of my life that i can control now (i sound like i have an eating disorder), the lack of food and the increase of my going to the gym (in which i have no idea what i'm actually doing, other than i do it for long enough until my body feels like jello and there is actual sweat dripping down me). the scale has tipped down to 118lbs, 6lbs more and i'll be the size i was when i met you.

weeks later, i got call backs for two interviews. one is tomorrow at 315 and the other is monday at 130. it means so much to hear dad saying "bravo, baby", the way it meant when he wrapped his arm around my shoulder as i was marching out with the rest of the graduates.

you're the only one who has yet to say congratulations. that has yet to say good job. that has yet to say i'm proud of you. goddamn, i hate you. and here i am, still, for you.

writing is nice, but i'm going to get a new little "blog" spot and get myself away from you. slowly, little by little, i love you less and less.