in my dream world i would sell my car, pay off my debt, close my eyes and throw a dart at the united states map and move. i would finish my degree online and find a 9-5 job that i would grow to like. i would have my own small one bedroom apartment with minimal decor but books upon books and probably a cat. my hair would be waist long and my body thin and i'd know how to cook and to pay my bills on time. nights would be lonely at first, but i wouldn't mind that. i would walk everywhere or maybe ride a bike and i would forget that i have wasted my prime. at least i still look six years younger than my true age, at least i still have that. i would have friends, we'd have dinner even though i would be single and they married with a chilld. i would take myself back to my twentieth year and thing of that morning in october and sigh. then one night or one morning or one afternoon, i would fall in love. not instantly and maybe not even after months of eye contact or maybe instantly. so we'd fall in love and i wouldn't break him nor him me. the story goes as the story goes and hopefully it will all end in happiness. in a perfect world, i would sell my car tomorrow.

today you called, you did not apologize.

i forgot i even had this, i don't know what made me even remember. nothing feels right- not with you, not with out you. you selfish fucking boy, selfish stupid boy. i'm letting this hurt on purpose. i'm keeping my phone on on purpose, to watch you call me and text me. i'm waiting for a fucking apology not more excuses or blame. all i've ever done is wait and wait and wait and now i am done waiting and i've used up all my patience.
you want all the things that you can not give.
i ask myself if my phone wasn't broken would i reply to your texts? i want to say no. i want to say that i'd rather be this lonely than be misreable.

walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. walk around or waste away. i could be loved and i could love. just not you, just not me. it's never going to work. it's been proven, it's never going to work. walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away walk away or waste away walk away or waste away walk away or waste away walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. most of that is typed with the left hand, the right only reaches for three letters. i'm not reaching for you anymore.

you idiot. you fucking idiot.

never mind, i turned off my phone. i'd rather sit around and wonder if you've bothered to call instead of sitting around knowing you haven't.

i always said if i were to ever write a book it would start with "i wasn't always like this you know, bed ridden to my commitments". i've had it in my head for years now, i'll probably never do anything with it, i am bed ridden.

lately, more than ever, i've been looking around me to realize that i have completely walked away from the path i should of been on and the person i should of been by now. instead, i am this. this was not expected. i feel empty, i'd like to know my purpose in life and i'd like to know what my talent is and i'd like to know who i would of been.

friday happened and then i spent all of saturday forgetting that i am not stuck. i kept having to remind myself that i can change all of this. when i fell back in? i almost laughed. almost.

the phone was silent all day and i got so sick of checking it even though i know there would be nothing from you that i turned it off.

honestly, i am just rolling with the days now waiting for the 8 to turn into a 9. i wonder where i'll be a year from now. just like i wondered last year.

i need to get a better grip on my life. i need to figure out how to not spread myself so thin. i need to figure out a balance. i need to figure out how to do my goddamn work on time. i need to figure out how to let go. and i need to figure out everything after that.

this is all so negative.

i remember you had to pee and we were early anyway. we pulled over to a baseball field and eventually we ended up watching a spider eat a fly, you held me close. somewhere on our way back to the car i think we saw a leaf hanging off another spider web's silk spinning fast and alone, just spinning. i think you may of still been holding me as we watched the leaf spin into oblivion. it was fall, it felt like fall, it smelled like fall, today is always the distinct day for me that fall has come. that change has set in and that i'd have to accept it.

every sentence i want to write starts with the word i or i've. it makes me feel guilty and selfish even though this is about me and i can do whatever i want and talk about myself and my life how much i want because, well, it's mine.

the idea of leaving has been rolling around in my head since i agreed to stay. and i realized i've been going about it all wrong: leaving means leaving and it means staying gone. it means packing up everything and it means cleaning out the darkest corners and it means telling every single part of myself that i am leaving and it means telling every single part of myself to stay the fuck away.
much easier said than done, so i've always stayed, despite it all.

for a while i thought this was a transitioning stage but now i realized the correct term is stand still. i am at a fucking stand still in life. auto piolit. automatic. robotic. routine. common. normal. the same. still. you get my drift? shit is the same every single day but every single day i realize more that every single day was the same as yesterday. the rare occasions i don't have my watch on i get nervous about not knowing what time it is. as if i knowing what time it is would make me move faster or slow down. it doesn't. i just keep drifiting and floating hoping to god something takes me by my roots and plants me somewhere else because at this point it doesn't seem like i can move on my own. run on depressing sentence.

uncommon: my need to pray or my need to go sit in side a church. i've turned to religion? all those stories i've heard about letting god in and letting god take over your life and having faith that god will show you the way and give you strength.. hello, god? i need you. i'm begging for strength and the light and my path and a passion. i'm begginging for anything to make me feel solid. god? are you listening? i'll give myself to you if you just show me what the point of all of this is for?

to say i've steered off track is an understatment. i hate that this is all so depressing but what the fuck, sorry, oh well.

a huge part of me is hoping you'll find this. and that you'll read this and that you'll finally understand what has happened. because you don't. and you wont until it's too late. and i keep saying you're going to be too late and you do not listen becasue i think you think i will do this with you forever. but mornings with you aren't worth it anymore.

everything about my life has become about you, you have made your way into pieces of me that i didn't even know existed. that's where the problem lies. i do not know who i am anymore with out you. or. i do not know who i've become since you. that sounds better, i do not know myself anymore. because that's the truth. you came in and there i went.

so the point of leaving, now, i think, is to leave myself. leaving you would mean leaving myself and leaving who i've become because of you. you are such a part of me that i go through with drawls when i'm away from you. i realized this afternoon while i was sitting inside my car that i never thought it would be possible to be addicted to a human being until i met you.

tomorrow, four years ago, i payed attention to you for the first time. tomorrow, three years ago, you killed me. and every year since i've realized how alone i really am and how alone i've always been.

my stomach hurts.