four years and two days of starring at you. and to think, it was your blue eyes i kept searching for to get me out of the haze that you put me through. i held onto the chair in your living room, feeling the cool wood underneath my clamy hands, whispering my own name as the black swallowed me whole. i searched for myself while i searched for you, i needed you just as much as i needed myself. i lost three days of my life, when i could have very well lost my whole life. to think, you sat there pleading and bartering with every existing god for my survival and only a week later you were back to your old routine. i have never, will never, stop wondering what you told the god's you would change or give up if i survived. did you ever live up to those promises? probably not. the gods kept up their end of the deal and you didn't, you will be punished.