four years and two days of starring at you. and to think, it was your blue eyes i kept searching for to get me out of the haze that you put me through. i held onto the chair in your living room, feeling the cool wood underneath my clamy hands, whispering my own name as the black swallowed me whole. i searched for myself while i searched for you, i needed you just as much as i needed myself. i lost three days of my life, when i could have very well lost my whole life. to think, you sat there pleading and bartering with every existing god for my survival and only a week later you were back to your old routine. i have never, will never, stop wondering what you told the god's you would change or give up if i survived. did you ever live up to those promises? probably not. the gods kept up their end of the deal and you didn't, you will be punished.

i always said if i were to ever write a book it would start with "i wasn't always like this you know, bed ridden to my commitments". i've had it in my head for years now, i'll probably never do anything with it, i am bed ridden.

lately, more than ever, i've been looking around me to realize that i have completely walked away from the path i should have been on and the person i should have been by now. instead, i am this. this was not expected. i feel empty, i'd like to know my purpose in life and i'd like to know what my talent is and i'd like to know who i would havebeen.

friday happened and then i spent all of saturday forgetting that i am not stuck. i kept having to remind myself that i can change all of this. when i fell back in? i almost laughed. almost.

the phone was silent all day and i got so sick of checking it even though i know there would be nothing from you that i turned it off.

honestly, i am just rolling with the days now waiting for the 8 to turn into a 9. i wonder where i'll be a year from now. just like i wondered last year.

i need to get a better grip on my life. i need to figure out how to not spread myself so thin. i need to figure out a balance. i need to figure out how to do my goddamn work on time. i need to figure out how to let go. and i need to figure out everything after that.

this is all so negative.

i remember you had to pee and we were early anyway. we pulled over to a baseball field and eventually we ended up watching a spider eat a fly, you held me close. somewhere on our way back to the car i think we saw a leaf hanging off another spider web's silk spinning fast and alone, just spinning. i think you may of still been holding me as we watched the leaf spin into oblivion. it was fall, it felt like fall, it smelled like fall, today is always the distinct day for me that fall has come. that change has set in and that i'd have to accept it.

every sentence i want to write starts with the word i or i've. it makes me feel guilty and selfish even though this is about me and i can do whatever i want and talk about myself and my life how much i want because, well, it's mine.

the idea of leaving has been rolling around in my head since i agreed to stay. and i realized i've been going about it all wrong: leaving means leaving and it means staying gone. it means packing up everything and it means cleaning out the darkest corners and it means telling every single part of myself that i am leaving and it means telling every single part of myself to stay the fuck away.
much easier said than done, so i've always stayed, despite it all.

for a while i thought this was a transitioning stage but now i realized the correct term is stand still. i am at a fucking stand still in life. auto piolit. automatic. robotic. routine. common. normal. the same. still. you get my drift? shit is the same every single day but every single day i realize more that every single day was the same as yesterday. the rare occasions i don't have my watch on i get nervous about not knowing what time it is. as if i knowing what time it is would make me move faster or slow down. it doesn't. i just keep drifiting and floating hoping to god something takes me by my roots and plants me somewhere else because at this point it doesn't seem like i can move on my own. run on depressing sentence.

uncommon: my need to pray or my need to go sit in side a church. i've turned to religion? all those stories i've heard about letting god in and letting god take over your life and having faith that god will show you the way and give you strength.. hello, god? i need you. i'm begging for strength and the light and my path and a passion. i'm begginging for anything to make me feel solid. god? are you listening? i'll give myself to you if you just show me what the point of all of this is for?

to say i've steered off track is an understatment. i hate that this is all so depressing but what the fuck, sorry, oh well.

a huge part of me is hoping you'll find this. and that you'll read this and that you'll finally understand what has happened. because you don't. and you wont until it's too late. and i keep saying you're going to be too late and you do not listen becasue i think you think i will do this with you forever. but mornings with you aren't worth it anymore.

everything about my life has become about you, you have made your way into pieces of me that i didn't even know existed. that's where the problem lies. i do not know who i am anymore with out you. or. i do not know who i've become since you. that sounds better, i do not know myself anymore. because that's the truth. you came in and there i went.

so the point of leaving, now, i think, is to leave myself. leaving you would mean leaving myself and leaving who i've become because of you. you are such a part of me that i go through with drawls when i'm away from you. i realized this afternoon while i was sitting inside my car that i never thought it would be possible to be addicted to a human being until i met you.

tomorrow, four years ago, i payed attention to you for the first time. tomorrow, three years ago, you killed me. and every year since i've realized how alone i really am and how alone i've always been.

my stomach hurts.