in my dream world i would sell my car, pay off my debt, close my eyes and throw a dart at the united states map and move. i would finish my degree online and find a 9-5 job that i would grow to like. i would have my own small one bedroom apartment with minimal decor but books upon books and probably a cat. my hair would be waist long and my body thin and i'd know how to cook and to pay my bills on time. nights would be lonely at first, but i wouldn't mind that. i would walk everywhere or maybe ride a bike and i would forget that i have wasted my prime. at least i still look six years younger than my true age, at least i still have that. i would have friends, we'd have dinner even though i would be single and they married with a chilld. i would take myself back to my twentieth year and think of that foggy morning in october and sigh. then one night or one morning or one afternoon, i would fall in love. not instantly and maybe not even after months of eye contact or maybe it only take a few hours. so we'd fall in love and i wouldn't break him nor him me. the story goes as the story goes and hopefully it will all end in happiness. but in a perfect world, i would sell my car tomorrow.

today you called, you did not apologize.

i forgot i even had this, i don't know what made me even remember. nothing feels right- not with you, not with out you. you selfish fucking boy, selfish stupid boy. i'm letting this hurt on purpose. i'm keeping my phone on on purpose, to watch you call me and text me. i'm waiting for a fucking apology not more excuses or blame. all i've ever done is wait and wait and wait and now i am done waiting and i've used up all my patience.
you want all the things that you can not give.
i ask myself if my phone wasn't broken would i reply to your texts? i want to say no. i want to say that i'd rather be this lonely than be misreable.

walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. walk around or waste away. i could be loved and i could love. just not you, just not me. it's never going to work. it's been proven, it's never going to work. walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away walk away or waste away walk away or waste away walk away or waste away walk away or waste away. walk away or waste away. most of that is typed with the left hand, the right only reaches for three letters. i'm not reaching for you anymore.

you idiot. you fucking idiot.

never mind, i turned off my phone. i'd rather sit around and wonder if you've bothered to call instead of sitting around knowing you haven't.