four years and two days of starring at you. and to think, it was your blue eyes i kept searching for to get me out of the haze that you put me through. i held onto the chair in your living room, feeling the cool wood underneath my clamy hands, whispering my own name as the black swallowed me whole. i searched for myself while i searched for you, i needed you just as much as i needed myself. i lost three days of my life, when i could have very well lost my whole life. to think, you sat there pleading and bartering with every existing god for my survival and only a week later you were back to your old routine. i have never, will never, stop wondering what you told the god's you would change or give up if i survived. did you ever live up to those promises? probably not. the gods kept up their end of the deal and you didn't, you will be punished.

i always said if i were to ever write a book it would start with "i wasn't always like this you know, bed ridden to my commitments". i've had it in my head for years now, i'll probably never do anything with it, i am bed ridden.

lately, more than ever, i've been looking around me to realize that i have completely walked away from the path i should have been on and the person i should have been by now. instead, i am this. this was not expected. i feel empty, i'd like to know my purpose in life and i'd like to know what my talent is and i'd like to know who i would havebeen.

friday happened and then i spent all of saturday forgetting that i am not stuck. i kept having to remind myself that i can change all of this. when i fell back in? i almost laughed. almost.

the phone was silent all day and i got so sick of checking it even though i know there would be nothing from you that i turned it off.

honestly, i am just rolling with the days now waiting for the 8 to turn into a 9. i wonder where i'll be a year from now. just like i wondered last year.

i need to get a better grip on my life. i need to figure out how to not spread myself so thin. i need to figure out a balance. i need to figure out how to do my goddamn work on time. i need to figure out how to let go. and i need to figure out everything after that.

this is all so negative.